On Stand By

Boyfriend just broke up with me a few seconds ago. I have one foot through the door but i can.t close it yet. He.s done this before. He breaks up with me. Hangs up on me. Calls back for whatever reason. Pretends like he hates me and acts like a pompous jackass. Tells me he loves me, he needs me, he didn.t mean it, and he doesn.t want to be alone. The end. But this time it.s different. He didn.t storm away or yell or swear at me. His voice was full of aggitation and disappointment. The same voice he used to tell me he.s over me and our relationship. Then after waiting for me to give him a goodbye i never intended on giving he hung up. And here i am...

he called me 3 times before i picked up. He said he wanted to make sure i was ok. I snapped at him, because he does this every time and i.m sick of it. I stoodmy ground. I.m not going to lie to him anymore. I.m going to show him every part of me i.ve ever hidden from him and show him that i.m not the girl for him and i never was. He is minus a backbone but, he will leave me.

Summer Lovin'

This summer has been a long [boring] one for me. To cure me of my boredom, i have made watching movies one of my new favorite pastimes, to be more specific, movies about love. Ironically, this new fascination for love is due to my lack of it. My year old love life has begun to fizzle and is beginning to reach it.s end. Boyfriend is going to break up with me soon...i know it. I.m not excited as i thought i would be about it, but i.m not bummed either. Hopefully we will leave as friends. Because i.ll soon be returning to my old non-existent love life, i.ve gained a serious interest in the love life of others, more specifically fictional ones. There are a few movies i.ve had my eye on and can.t wait to see...

Paper Heart

Is it just me, or is it fully impossible not to love Michael Cera.s awkwardness?

500 Days of Summer

Away We Go

I fully plan on seeing every single one of these movies and have a great time while doing it! Maybe i.ll see you there.

Retail Addiction

A few months ago, i was celebrating my 18th birthday and the fact that i was finally old enough to have my own debit card and manage my money. I have always been a good shopper. The cheapest you could find. Unfortunately, since i am unable to drive, i am also very limited when it comes to field trips to the mall. The solution to this problem is my downfall...online shopping. I love the freedom of being able to manage my own money [that was given to me] but i feel like i.m losing my mind. My shopping skills haven.t changed, i.m still really frugal, but whats tipping me over the edge are those damn shipping fees. I honestly must have spent over 300 dollars on clothes and stuff and over 100 on shipping fees. It breaks my heart, but i can.t stop. I don.t have a job right now and i.m going to become a college student which is keeping me in check right now. But i.m afraid that when i get a job, my thought process will change to "i.m losing money" to "i can get that money back next week, here.s my credit card." A few minutes ago, I just transfered 200 dollars to my checking account to spend it on 2 pairs of shoes, A dress/shirt/cover-up, 3 shirts, and a hat. Sounds pretty good right? Well the price should be 175...25 bucks for shipping fees. What hurts more is that i had a 20% discount but thanks to the shipping fees i only got 3 dollars off. I seriously need to grow up... and when i do...i.m going to need new clothes to match.

P.S.

A few days ago i went to my freshman orientation and i had so much fun. Met new people, signed up for classes, and got a good look at the campus. I am going to absolutely love college. The dorm situation... not so much.

The End

There once was a girl who loved a boy. She loved him with all of her heart. There once was a boy who loved a girl. He never wanted to be apart. But things soon changed and so did they. Their love withered and rarely did grow. They yelled and screamed and argued and spat. The girls heart grew as cold as snow. The boy would cry and the girl would sigh. Her love began to falter. The girl would dream of being free while the boy dreamed of the alter. She grew tired of his whining she no longer loved his voice. The girl searched deep within her heart. She knew she had to make a choice. Uknown to her and everyone the boy.s heart began to sway. He questioned if their love was real and he loved her the same way. They yelled and screamed and argued and spat. The boy knew what to do. He told the girl he was leaving her. He told her that was that. A sinister smile was placed on the face of the girl whose heart began to sing. She felt the coming of freedom. She tossed out his old ring. And they lived happily ever after. The End... or is it?

Ofcourse it isn.t because the boy won.t let the girl go. The girl needs a new strategy. Getting him to break up with her is the only way, though some may be confused as to why, they should just trust me.

Blogger Ecstatic

I think my hands need to be surgically removed from my keyboard. I have transformed into a blogger addict. I keep making new blogs and new friends. I.m all over the place. I just love having someplace to empty all my random thoughts and emotions since i don.t usually have deep spill your guts meaningful conversations with my friends. So if you.re reading this blog please watch out for my guts. I.m a very lonely person. I have a few friends, but i haven.t had a best friend in years. I feel trapped in my house and can.t always run to the casual friends to save me me from my boredom, so college is what i.m waiting for. I.m hoping that when i start college i.ll be able to make lasting friends and always have fun things to do all the time. I just really need... a life. I.m going to orientation next week which will give me dose of my life for the next 4 years [1 year if i transfer to cornell, but that.s a story for another time]. I.m scared and exited at the same time. If i make friends it.ll be awesome if i end up being left out the entire time it.ll be a bust. I pray things go well, i really need this. Feeling left out and not having a single place to belong [no matter small] is a feeling i want to get rid of. I want to grow up as a person physically and mentally. I want to live a life i can look back on and smile about, not frown like i do now. When i was in elemenatry school i thought middle school was what i was waiting for. When i was in middle school it was high school. Now the cycle continues, i just hope the cycle of disappointment stops now.

My Eclectic Taste

New Roommate

Ok so she.s actually more of a new housemate and she.s actually my grandmother. Grandmother # 2 to be exact. Grandmother # 1 was my former roommate...and arch nemesis. You see, me and Grandma # 1 didn.t get along too well. Because of her my room smelled like vapor rub and icy hot for 3 years, i had to turn the lights off at 8 for her bedtime, i had to put up with her obnoxious snoring, and... oh yea, and she hated me. The two of us just could not get along no matter how hard i tried. She started out so nice and loving, but being away from her home in africa made her homesick, bitter and mean. She complained about me constantly, made my mom miserable, and tried to break up my mom and dad. You know, normal grandma things [pardon my extreme sarcasm]. Thank the universe and all the galaxies within it that she.s gone now, off to make other people miserable, and now grandma #2 is here to fill the hole in my grandmaless heart. The second she walked through the door i liked her better than #1, simply for not being #1. Now that I.ve gotten to know her a liiitle better, i.ve decided that not only is she in the lead, she might have already won. She.s funny and nice and easy to approach. To impress her like the bootlicker i am [to avoid another #1 repeat at all costs] i.ve decided to start learning how to cook and speak my countries language fluently. I.m also hoping to gain weight so she can stop asking me if i eat. I really hope we get along. I hate how everyone likes my brother so much because he.s so social and shit. I.m not antisocial but definitely less social than him. But it.s ok, i know the real him he hides from the world. Her and my brother are already kinda close [met awhile back]. Anyway, here.s hoping. Peace.

p.s.
Me and boyfriend almost broke up last night... we were reeeaaallly close too. False alarm though. He.s starting to realize we.re no good for eachother, he.s just so fucking physically attracted to me which makes him emotionally attached. Everytime we break up, it gets closer to the real thing. I.m glad that he.s opening his eyes to what.s really going on. But wen we break up for real, i need to make sure he means it and doesn.t decide to test me half way through the argument to see if i really want to be with him. [sigh] Men.

Ai No Melody

Itooshikute. Ureshikute. Kanashikute. Setsunakute. Kuyashikute. Modokashikute... Ai No Melody.
Pity. Happiness. Sorrow. Vexation. Regret. Anxiety... [Make up] The Melody of Love

He doesn.t have to be perfect. I don.t need perfect. Perfect doesn.t exist. We have what makes up the melody of love, but there is a lack of the actual love itself. All i want is love, true love.

A line from the song Ai no Melody by Kokia.

This Isn.t Love

I feel as though i might as well rename this blog my love blog due to the recurring and obvious subject of almost every single one of my posts. I.m almost disgusted with myself. This blog is proof that i don.t have a life anymore. Everything, absolutely everything about my life can be followed back to him. Him, that guy, that ass, that bastard that ruined my life, that is my life. Everything about me must revolve around him, if it doesn.t there.s a problem. I can.t take it any more. I.ve been sitting here trying to manipulate the situation to get him to break up with me, but no more. I am fucking 18 years old and i have just begun to live my life and he.s already taking it away from me. I can.t love my family as much as him because they don.t deserve my love. If someone hurts my feelings i should hate them and love him. He thinks he fucking knows everything but he has no idea. My savior? My fucking savior? Him? I don.t think so. He.s saved me from nothing and taken me away from everything. I.m not myself anymore and i don.t like it. I have to hide who i am, how i really feel from him to make him feel better while i sit here in torment. And when i refuse to do that any longer, i.m "brainwashed." He has no idea. How could i possibly love you more than my family who may piss me off sometimes but still loves, supports, and does almost anything for me, while you only make my life more difficult. I miss the love, the love he gave me when we first met. The boy i fell in love with is gone. He has become a jealous, overbearing and paranoid boy whose "love" is more of an obsession. He.s given me devotion, no doubt about that, but no love, not anymore. To me, love is acceptance. Loving someone despite they.re faults. Accepting them for who they are, not trying to change them into who you want them to be. He thinks that everyone around me has tried to change me, when in reality, it.s him. He wouldn.t believe me if i told him, since i.m brainwashed. He.s bringing me down, and i won.t allow it anymore. I.ve decided and i.ve realized, i don.t love him the same way anymore. He is no longer the boy i fell in love with and i am not the girl he wants. I.m going to leave him. Maybe he.ll leave me. But in the end, we will no longer be together. I won.t allow it. Because this isn.t love.

Malaise De L'Orange...Whatever That Means

Relationships are hard.

A Boyfriend Breakation : Living In A Lie

So i.m sitting here at the start of my boyfriend breakation thinking, "finally." I love the guy and i know the guy loves me, but fuck, sometimes i just want to spend some time away from the drama and pressures of having a boyfriend. If i were to ever say that to his face, he would take it as me not loving him because if i loved him i.d want to spend every second of my life with him, "being with me should be all you need to be happy. If you loved me, being with me would be enough." I respond to his naive view of how a relationship should be with a big "BULLSHIT." I can say from experience that spending every second of our time together only leads us to being in the other ones face all day. We become more prone to arguments and telling the other "i hate you!" I can speak for myself when i say it makes me feel trapped, and i find myself finding absolutely any opportunity to inch away from him, even if i have to lie to do it. Since i started dating him seriously i.ve become a fucking old woman with a fucking curfew. I hate how the more i think about him the more i don.t want to be with him, but then once we.re together again, he.ll say or do something that will either make me think "crap! i.m stuck," or "awww, i do love him," but never "screw this, i.m leaving you." The song I Caught Myself by Paramore really applies to my thought process right now. It.s funny, another Paramore song i enjoy, My Heart, is playing right now as i type, and it makes me rememeber how i used to sing it to him [this heart, it beats, beats for only you...my heart is yours]. Now i feel like i have no one to sing it to because those feelings are hardly there. He thinks i.m the girl for him, or atleast he tries to convince himself that i am. But the truth is, if i ever sat down and told him the truth, reveal to him every lie i.ve ever told him to make him feel better, he wouldn.t want to be with me anymore. But i also know it would break his heart, something i don.t want to do. Sometimes i forget that the things i tell him are lies because i find myself repeating them over and over trying to reassure him. I think he knows i.m lying, but he.d rather believe i.m telling the truth. His mind is so fragile. I don.t want to break it along with his heart, the heart he says only beats for me. I wish i could go back to that day when he confessed to me, and tell him that despite how i feel about him, it wouldn.t work, because right now, it.s not working, and i feel it.s mostly my fault. I created a relationship based on lies. In reality, i don.t know who is at fault more. Me for lying or him for pressuring me to lie. I was so desperate not to hurt him, i.d do anything for him, even tell him sweet lies. But now i.m afraid, i.m afraid i.ll get caught, and it will hurt him even more to learn that the truth was a lie, because the security i created for him will be snatched away from him. If i had told the truth from the beginning, he would.ve known what he was getting into. i.m in too deep now and i don.t know what to do. Keep lying and pray i never get caught, or tell the truth and hurt him beyond belief. I almost feel like i.m trying to get caught by posting this blog on the internet. An idiot truly am i. I find it funny how this post started out as an ode to joy about getting a break from my boyfriend and has become an ode to the sadness i feel for harbouring this dark secret and the fear i have of hurting him. I wonder if i reread this i can pinpoint the exact moment when my guilt began to kick in. Maybe if anybody reads this fucking thing they can tell me, i.m not one to proofread.

External Sunshine Of My Spotted Mind

In honor of one of my favorite all time movies and the inspiration for my blog title, I photoshopped a picture of me to resemble the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind movie poster. I loved the meaning behind the movie and the overall plot. So tell me, if you had a chance, would you erase that person, that thing, that moment, from your mind, like it never existed? Would you erase me? I have a person in mind that would probably make that decision in a heartbeat. He is someone who is unable to let go, unable to move on, unable to accept. He lives and breathes the past. Not being able to change anything won.t deter his anger and frustration. All he wants to do is forget. Sometimes, I wish he would forget about me. Erase me from his mind like i never existed. I wouldn.t mind doing the same. I hate to say it but im a gutless flip flopper. I love him i hate him i love him i hate him i love him i hate him. Like the petals on the flower never end. I want this to end before i lose my mind. We.ve changed eachother, and i don.t think it was for the better. I literally go crazy when it comes to him. I bang my head on walls and cry hysterically, something i never did before in my life. I.d like to forget it all and move on, but he has to do the same. I.m afraid i.m stuck. Please erase this cage.

Bored and Alone

So i.m sitting here, like i always am, bored and alone. My brother ditched out to go hang out with his friends, something i can.t do [yet] because hanging out with my friends usually involves scheduling. Besides, i.m kind of stuck here waiting for him to call unless i have an excuse to leave. I love it when he leaves, getting a break from him seems necessary sometimes, especially since he wants to spend so much time together. I think it.s good that we spend sometime apart. It.s funny. Lately i.ve been so in love with him, but everytime i sit down and think about the cage he.s putting me in, i don.t like it, and i don.t like him. I feel like i constantly relapse back into, i don.t want to be with him anymore after i tell him and show him that i do want to be with him. Some would call that a tease. I call it confused. Anyway, rather than focusing on him, i have alot of college preparation that i should be doing. I have to...
1. Finish my math placement exam
2. Do the Online Alcohol EDU class
3. Complete my health immunization form
4. Fill out my health insurance waiver
5. Get ready to move in on campus.
Besides all my college stuff, I have to go to driving school and finish getting my driving legs. And before it all begins [or ends] i want to be able to see my friends, hang out with them all i want like i used to, not feel chained to my boyfriend who is a thousand miles away. He.s like a distraction [or a prison warden] instead of a boyfriend. I asked for love and i got it, i only wish i could.ve been more specific.

I Wanna Go Where Everybody Knows My Name...

This was too funny to pass up, they should really fix that sign, and everyone should seriously shop there. I hear you can get some great goods there. Now i know where to go christmas shopping this winter. Wanna join me? It.ll be fun. I.ll buy you something if u want. But i hear they only accept cash. Ok, in reality, this was taken on a trip to home goods with my mom. I just looked up and there it was. Yes, i have a very dirty mind at times. It just turns on like a switch, especially when tempted by the obvious like a ten foot high neon sign.

July Driving

So i.m sitting here thinking about how awesome it is that i started driving today. I.m 18 and should.ve started a loooong time ago, but i say the phrase 'better late than never' serioiusly applies here. I was pretty awesome if i do say so myself [watch out for my inflated head]. I can.t wait to get out there and start driving again. The sooner i can get rid of this shameful feeling of owning a car i can.t drive, the better. I turned down a babysitting beach trip today and i.m really glad i did. My aunts pissed at me for ditching but i don.t care. They can call me antisocial all they want, there is no way an 18 year old could have fun at the beach with 8 little kids and 4 middle aged women. It.s the fourth of july and i.m hoping to see some fireworks for once. It.ll be like their celebrating my great getting off my ass and learning to drive effort. I decided to try something today. I.m going to update this post at different times during the day to talk about what i did and how i feel. I.m curious to see how much that can change in one day. As of now, i.m feeling pretty fucking good. Till then. Peace.

7:52 pm

weeell, i wanted to go see fireworks in D.C. but it starting to look like that isn.t going to happen. Maryam came over and wants to play Uno, and i.m always up for a good game of screwing people over. The "boyfriend" has called my cell phone 4 times now...make that 5, and i have no intention of picking up anytime soon. I.m disappointed that i probably won.t be seeing any fireworks tonight, but i.m still in a pretty good mood. I.m not letting him ruin that. I even pressed talk on the house phone so no one [especially him] can reach us. And if anyone needs to use the phone, i.ll just turn it off, let them talk, an let the ignoring continue. I.m a spiteful little thing, i know it, and i kinda like it too. Make that 6. As of now, i.m feeling ok. I still have a smile on my face, but a sinking feeling in my heart. like the moment i pick up that phone, it.s all down hill from there. Make that 7.

9:18 pm

Uno was frikkin awesome. So much fun. The five of us competing against eachother, forming alliances, just being a bunch of loud african people. It was great. I ignored his calls the whole time. But once the fun was over, i decided to cut him some slack and return his call[s]. He said he had been calling for 7 hours. Funny, my phone said 2, the house phone said even less. Oh well, technology must be mistaken. It happens. I just started talking to him and i.m still ok, he told me a story that basically ends with him possibly dying or getting his ass beat at the end of the month. Whether it.s true or not, he was definitely looking for some sympathy, right now, i can only give him emotionless robot. I can try to pretend though. I can hear fireworks but i can.t see them. This really sucks.

Somebody Help Me I.m Trapped...

in a relationship i don.t want to be in. Everyday we get closer and closer to the ultimate break. When i feel it coming, the biggest smile finds itself carved maliciously on my face, like i.d see the grinch when i looked in the mirror. So close, so fucking close, but no fucking cigar. I don.t want to be with him anymore, but he.s fucking suicidal and i seem to make it worse. I hope he.ll sit down and think about it, and realize what i have. We don.t work. I don.t love him anymore. I don.t know how i feel about him, but it definitely isn.t love. For the past three days I.ve been bitching about the same thing over and over again like ten thousand broken records i can.t seem to fix. Everyday i get closer to telling him i don.t want to be with him. And everyday i think to myself, "CURSES! foiled again." Once, just once, i want to be able to scream at the top of my lungs "FREEDOOOM!" and kill this dying relationship. It may be selfish, but it.s what i want. What i need. To be free. Peace [something i could use alittle bit of].

Broken Specs To Match My Heart

So i.m sitting here looking down at my broken glasses and thinking, damn i.m an idiot. I knew laying down with my glasses on my bed would lead to this, but like the true dumass i am, i did it anyway. Another thought ran through my mind as i perched my new monocle on the rim of my nose, these broken specs seem to match my heart. Broken in half, right down the middle. My whole life is a metaphor, so metaphorically, he sat on my heart. I can.t feel love towards him anymore because the love is gone. I.m the reason for his sadness and depression. It.s my fault that other guys asked me out before him. It was wrong of me to take pictures with friends and being happy because it hurts him. He.s sad and hurt, it.s my fault, i have to fix it and make him feel better. As his "girlfriend" it is my responsibilty. I don.t recall the job of girlfriend being turned into babysitter. His insecurities exceed my own and his irrationality is unpredictable and annoying. My heart is broken along with my shining image of him. I can no longer run to his side when tears run down his eyes, my shoulder pats don.t quench his insatiable need for attention. I need love, and i don.t need this. Maybe i can fix my heart like my glasses. Or maybe, a new pair is what.s best. New love or no love at all, either is fine, as long as this love becomes old. Whose happiness is worth more, mine or his? I don.t know. I don.t care. I do care, though i shouldn.t. I don.t know where happiness lies, but it is not with us. I will find a way to fix my heart and my glasses along with them. Alittle tape should be fine. It adds character.

Artwork Copyright of Joshua Tree

No More Kisses.

So i.m sitting here watching South Park thinking about whether or not i want to be with my boyfriend anymore. We.ve been on the verge of breaking up for a long time now, and have actually "broken up" so many times i can.t even count. But everytime he hangs up the phone in my sobbing face, he calls back out of the goodness of his soul and decides to give me another chance. Ofcourse i.m being sarcastic. His clingyness is what brings him back. In fact, it.s happened so many times, i don.t shed a single tear when he leaves. My sadness has been replaced by relief. But like always, he comes clinging back and unfortunately, i have to take him.You see, despite the fact that i.m sick of his constant depression [always having to say "awwww are you ok" a milllion times a day], his insecurities,his jealousy, his possessiveness, his neediness, his wanting to separate me from my family and friends, and his incessant "come on baby [wink wink]," i still care about him. And breaking up with a guy you care about becomes even harder when he.s suicidal and tells you how much he loves you every 5 minutes and how without he has nothing to live for. So in other words, he.s making this really hard. So officially, i.m still his girlfriend and he.s still my boyfriend, but emotionally we.re anything but. I.ve become really emotionally distant from him and he.s noticed. I won.t kiss him anymore or respond to any of his romantic gestures. It.s gotten to the point where i feel uncomfortable doing anything romantic with him. His cute baby voice no longer amuses me, only annoys. I cringe when he tells me " i love you baby" and respond with a simple "i know." Our last break up was a hard one. He said alot of terrible things to me. I wanted to snap and give him a big ol' FUCK YOU. But his emotional blackmail had me sitting there biting my tongue, and i didn.t like it. One thing he said that really got to me was him basically saying "i want a girl that will listen to me and my opinions and won.t make me fucking listen to hers." That...pissed...me...off. I don.t want to be with a guy who claims to care so much about me but is only interested in putting me in a cage and making me listen to his problems and make him feel better with a big piece of tape around my mouth. I know that i don.t want to be with him, but i also know that i still care about him What i don.t know is if i still love him or not. I guess i.ll have to figure that out another day. Till then, i need more juice. Peace.
Image Copyright of joshua-tree

There.s A First Time For Everything.

So i.m sitting here sipping some very berry berry juice when i think to myself..."why the fuck don.t i have my own blog? Everybody else fucking does." Now i.m not a follower, but i kinda felt left out, and fitting in is AWESOME!!! So i decided to get off my ass [and my facebook] and do it. So here i am, blogging my heart out and wishing i had more juice. Ok, in all honesty, what inspired me to start blogging was looking through the great blogs of other people and thinking..."hey, i could do that." There was one blog in particular that touched my blogless soul, and it is called My Milk Toof. So fucking adorable. Perfect for kids and weird adults/teenagers with the soul and attention span of a child [like yours truly]. Sooo i did some shit today but i.ll save all of it for later. So I dont know what kind of blog this will be yet. It could be my online journal where i spill out all my secret desires and daily drama, or possibly a place to display my art... maybe both...yeah i like that...i.ll make it both. So it.s decided, next time i.ll write something nonpointless.Till then. Peace.