A Boyfriend Breakation : Living In A Lie

So i.m sitting here at the start of my boyfriend breakation thinking, "finally." I love the guy and i know the guy loves me, but fuck, sometimes i just want to spend some time away from the drama and pressures of having a boyfriend. If i were to ever say that to his face, he would take it as me not loving him because if i loved him i.d want to spend every second of my life with him, "being with me should be all you need to be happy. If you loved me, being with me would be enough." I respond to his naive view of how a relationship should be with a big "BULLSHIT." I can say from experience that spending every second of our time together only leads us to being in the other ones face all day. We become more prone to arguments and telling the other "i hate you!" I can speak for myself when i say it makes me feel trapped, and i find myself finding absolutely any opportunity to inch away from him, even if i have to lie to do it. Since i started dating him seriously i.ve become a fucking old woman with a fucking curfew. I hate how the more i think about him the more i don.t want to be with him, but then once we.re together again, he.ll say or do something that will either make me think "crap! i.m stuck," or "awww, i do love him," but never "screw this, i.m leaving you." The song I Caught Myself by Paramore really applies to my thought process right now. It.s funny, another Paramore song i enjoy, My Heart, is playing right now as i type, and it makes me rememeber how i used to sing it to him [this heart, it beats, beats for only you...my heart is yours]. Now i feel like i have no one to sing it to because those feelings are hardly there. He thinks i.m the girl for him, or atleast he tries to convince himself that i am. But the truth is, if i ever sat down and told him the truth, reveal to him every lie i.ve ever told him to make him feel better, he wouldn.t want to be with me anymore. But i also know it would break his heart, something i don.t want to do. Sometimes i forget that the things i tell him are lies because i find myself repeating them over and over trying to reassure him. I think he knows i.m lying, but he.d rather believe i.m telling the truth. His mind is so fragile. I don.t want to break it along with his heart, the heart he says only beats for me. I wish i could go back to that day when he confessed to me, and tell him that despite how i feel about him, it wouldn.t work, because right now, it.s not working, and i feel it.s mostly my fault. I created a relationship based on lies. In reality, i don.t know who is at fault more. Me for lying or him for pressuring me to lie. I was so desperate not to hurt him, i.d do anything for him, even tell him sweet lies. But now i.m afraid, i.m afraid i.ll get caught, and it will hurt him even more to learn that the truth was a lie, because the security i created for him will be snatched away from him. If i had told the truth from the beginning, he would.ve known what he was getting into. i.m in too deep now and i don.t know what to do. Keep lying and pray i never get caught, or tell the truth and hurt him beyond belief. I almost feel like i.m trying to get caught by posting this blog on the internet. An idiot truly am i. I find it funny how this post started out as an ode to joy about getting a break from my boyfriend and has become an ode to the sadness i feel for harbouring this dark secret and the fear i have of hurting him. I wonder if i reread this i can pinpoint the exact moment when my guilt began to kick in. Maybe if anybody reads this fucking thing they can tell me, i.m not one to proofread.