Broken Specs To Match My Heart

So i.m sitting here looking down at my broken glasses and thinking, damn i.m an idiot. I knew laying down with my glasses on my bed would lead to this, but like the true dumass i am, i did it anyway. Another thought ran through my mind as i perched my new monocle on the rim of my nose, these broken specs seem to match my heart. Broken in half, right down the middle. My whole life is a metaphor, so metaphorically, he sat on my heart. I can.t feel love towards him anymore because the love is gone. I.m the reason for his sadness and depression. It.s my fault that other guys asked me out before him. It was wrong of me to take pictures with friends and being happy because it hurts him. He.s sad and hurt, it.s my fault, i have to fix it and make him feel better. As his "girlfriend" it is my responsibilty. I don.t recall the job of girlfriend being turned into babysitter. His insecurities exceed my own and his irrationality is unpredictable and annoying. My heart is broken along with my shining image of him. I can no longer run to his side when tears run down his eyes, my shoulder pats don.t quench his insatiable need for attention. I need love, and i don.t need this. Maybe i can fix my heart like my glasses. Or maybe, a new pair is what.s best. New love or no love at all, either is fine, as long as this love becomes old. Whose happiness is worth more, mine or his? I don.t know. I don.t care. I do care, though i shouldn.t. I don.t know where happiness lies, but it is not with us. I will find a way to fix my heart and my glasses along with them. Alittle tape should be fine. It adds character.

Artwork Copyright of Joshua Tree

No More Kisses.

So i.m sitting here watching South Park thinking about whether or not i want to be with my boyfriend anymore. We.ve been on the verge of breaking up for a long time now, and have actually "broken up" so many times i can.t even count. But everytime he hangs up the phone in my sobbing face, he calls back out of the goodness of his soul and decides to give me another chance. Ofcourse i.m being sarcastic. His clingyness is what brings him back. In fact, it.s happened so many times, i don.t shed a single tear when he leaves. My sadness has been replaced by relief. But like always, he comes clinging back and unfortunately, i have to take him.You see, despite the fact that i.m sick of his constant depression [always having to say "awwww are you ok" a milllion times a day], his insecurities,his jealousy, his possessiveness, his neediness, his wanting to separate me from my family and friends, and his incessant "come on baby [wink wink]," i still care about him. And breaking up with a guy you care about becomes even harder when he.s suicidal and tells you how much he loves you every 5 minutes and how without he has nothing to live for. So in other words, he.s making this really hard. So officially, i.m still his girlfriend and he.s still my boyfriend, but emotionally we.re anything but. I.ve become really emotionally distant from him and he.s noticed. I won.t kiss him anymore or respond to any of his romantic gestures. It.s gotten to the point where i feel uncomfortable doing anything romantic with him. His cute baby voice no longer amuses me, only annoys. I cringe when he tells me " i love you baby" and respond with a simple "i know." Our last break up was a hard one. He said alot of terrible things to me. I wanted to snap and give him a big ol' FUCK YOU. But his emotional blackmail had me sitting there biting my tongue, and i didn.t like it. One thing he said that really got to me was him basically saying "i want a girl that will listen to me and my opinions and won.t make me fucking listen to hers." That...pissed...me...off. I don.t want to be with a guy who claims to care so much about me but is only interested in putting me in a cage and making me listen to his problems and make him feel better with a big piece of tape around my mouth. I know that i don.t want to be with him, but i also know that i still care about him What i don.t know is if i still love him or not. I guess i.ll have to figure that out another day. Till then, i need more juice. Peace.
Image Copyright of joshua-tree